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7G08	None - Christmas Special
7G02	I will not waste chalk
7G03	I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04	I will not burp in class
7G05	None
7G06	I will not instigate revolution
7G09	I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07	I did not see Elvis
7G11	None
7G10	I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13	Garlic gum is not funny
7G12	They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01	I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03	I will not encourage others to fly I will not fake my way through life
7F02	Tar is not a plaything
7F04	None - Halloween Special
7F01	I will not Xerox my butt
7F01	It's potato, not potatoe
		This was used for the third airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaffe while visiting a school)
7F05	I will not trade pants with others
7F08	I am not a 32 year old woman
		To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
7F07	I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06	I will not drive the principal's car
7F09	I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10	I will not sell school property
7F11	I will not cut corners
		It actually looks like this: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS " " " " " " " " " " " "
7F12	I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13	I will not make flatuent noises in class
7F15	I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16	I will not sell land in Florida
7F14	Repeat of 7F10
7F17	I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18	I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F19	None
7F20	I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21	I will not show off
		This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
7F22	I will not sleep through my education
7F24	I am not a dentist
8F01	Spitwads are not free speech
7F23	Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03	High explosives and school don't mix I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04	I will not squeak chalk
		Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
8F05	I will finish what I sta
		This appears on one line; the rest is blank
8F02	None - Halloween Special
8F06	"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F07	I will not fake rabies
		This never appeared in original airings in the USA, but did in Canada
8F08	Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09	The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10	I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11	I will not carve gods
8F12	None
8F14	I will not spank others
8F16	None
8F13	I will not aim for the head
8F15	I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
		Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers
8F17	I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19	I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20	Funny noises are not funny
8F21	I will not spin the turtle
8F22	I will not snap bras
8F23	I will not fake seizures
8F24	This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18	My name is not Dr. Death
9F01	I will not defame New Orleans
		New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
9F02	I will not prescribe medication
		Originally, the FOX showings had no chalkboard for 9F01 and the New Orleans one for 9F02, while Canadian showings had them as listed
9F04	None - Halloween Special
9F03	I will not bury the new kid
	During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child"
9F05	I will not teach others to fly
9F06	I will not bring sheep to class
9F07	A burp is not an answer
9F08	Teacher is not a leper
9F09	Coffee is not for kids
	Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
9F10	I will not eat things for money
9F11	I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
9F12	The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13	I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14	Goldfish don't bounce
9F15	Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17	No one is interested in my underpants
9F16	I will not sell miracle cures
9F18	I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20	I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19	I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21	I will never win an Emmy
		This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
9F22	The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F02	None
1F01	None
1F04	None - Halloween Special
1F03	None
1F05	None
1F06	None
1F07	All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
		This is probably a reference to The Shining, especially as this quote was not written "line by line" like the others
1F08	I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09	I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11	My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
		A reference to "The Fugitive"
1F10	I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F12	None
1F13	None
1F14	I am not delightfully saucy
1F15	Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16	The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18	I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
		This was first used for the 100th new episode
1F19	There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21	I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
1F20	Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22	Beans are neither fruit nor musical
1F17	Repeat of 9F17
2F33	I will not use abbrev.
2F01	I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
2F02	None
2F03	None - Halloween Special
2F04	I will not send lard through the mail
2F05	I will not dissect things unless instructed
2F06	I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
2F07	Repeat of 1F11
2F08	Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
2F09	Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
2F10	"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
2F11	Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
2F12	Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
2F13	I will not hang donuts on my person
2F14	I will remember to take my medication
2F31	None
2F15	I will not strut around like I own the place
2F18	The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
2F19	I do not have power of attorney over first graders
2F32	Nerve gas is not a toy
2F21	I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
2F22	The First Amendment does not cover burping
2F16	This is not a clue...or is it?
		In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns
2F20	I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
		In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed
2F17	"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
3F01	No one wants to hear from my armpits
3F02	I am not a lean mean spitting machine
3F03	The boys room is not a water park
3F04	None - Halloween Special
3F05	Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
3F06	None
3F08	Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
3F31	I will only do this once a year
		...which is once a year too many for clip shows
3F07	I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
3F10	I am not certified to remove asbestos
3F09	None
3F11	None
3F12	None
3F13	None
3F14	None
3F16	None
3F15	None
3F17	None
3F18	None
3F19	None
3F20	None
3F21	None
3F22	None
4F02	None - Halloween Special
3F23	I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
4F03	I am not my long-lost twin
4F05	None
4F06	None
4F04	None
4F01	None
		During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
4F07	None
3F24	None
3G01	The truth is not out there
		A reference to "The X-Files"
4F08	I am not licensed to do anything
4F10	None
3G03	I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
4F12	None
4F11	None
4F14	None
4F13	I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face
		Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name) (Earlier editions of this list say that the strip appeared when 4F11 premiered; however, it actually appeared March 2, 1997, when 4F13 first aired)
4F15	None
4F09	None
4F16	A fire drill does not demand a fire
4F17	None
4F18	None
4F19	None
4F20	None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
4F21	None
4F22	None
4F23	None
3G02	I no longer want my MTV
5F02	None - Halloween Special
5F01	Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
5F03	I did not invent Irish dancing
5F04	None
5F05	I will not tease Fatty
5F06	There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
5F07	Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
5F24	None
5F08	None
5F23	Shooting paintballs is not an art form
5F11	None
5F10	Pain is not the cleanser
5F12	Silly String is not a nasal spray
4F24	None
5F13	I was not told to do this
3G04	My butt does not deserve a website
5F14	I will not demand what I'm worth
		A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money
5F15	None
5F09	I will not mess with the opening credits
		This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom
5F16	None
5F17	I am not the new Dalai Lama
5F18	I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
		This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld"
5F20	None
5F21	I will not file frivolous lawsuits
5F22	None
AABF01	The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
		This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush
5F19	"butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
		Originally, "butt.com" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as butt.com is an actual web site address; however, "butt.com" still appeared in Canada
AABF02	No one cares what my definition of "is" is
		Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case
AABF03	I will not scream for ice cream
AABF04	I am not a licensed hairstylist
AABF05	"The President did it" is not an excuse
		This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed)
AABF06	My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
AABF07	Sherri does not "got back"
AABF08	I will not do the Dirty Bird
		The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl
AABF09	No one wants to hear about my sciatica
AABF11	Hillbillies are people too
AABF10	Grammar is not a time of waste
AABF12	Repeat of 9F20
AABF13	It does not suck to be you
AABF14	I cannot absolve sins
		In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics
AABF15	A trained ape could not teach gym
AABF16	Loose teeth don't need my help
AABF17	I have neither been there nor done that
AABF18	Repeat of 3F01
AABF20	I'm so very tired
AABF23	Fridays are not "pants optional"
AABF22	Pork is not a verb
AABF21	I am not the last Don
BABF01	None - Halloween Special
AABF19	I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
BABF02	I won't not use no double negatives
BABF03	Repeat of 3F05
BABF05	I can't see dead people
		A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law)
BABF07	I will not sell my kidney on eBay
		Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small); also, Lisa writes "I will not do math in class" during the show
BABF04	I will not create art from dung
		A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung
BABF06	I will stop phoning it in
BABF08	Class clown is not a paid position
BABF09	Substitute teachers are not scabs
BABF10	My suspension was not "mutual"
BABF11	A belch is not an oral report
BABF12	Dodgeball stops at the gym door
BABF13	"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
BABF14	I was not touched "there" by an angel
BABF16	I am not here on a fartball scholarship
BABF15	I will not dance on anyone's grave
BABF18	I cannot hire a substitute student
BABF19	I will not obey the voices in my head
BABF21	None - Halloween Special
BABF20	I will not plant subliminal messagores
		The parts in green appeared in green on the show A reference to the "subliminal message" claim during the 2000 USA Presidential Election campaign; during a Republican commercial, the word "RAT" appeared briefly while Democrats were being mentioned
BABF17	I will not surprise the incontinent
CABF01	I am not the acting President
		A reference to the 2000 USA Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode first aired
CABF04	I was not the sixth Beatle
CABF02	I will only provide a urine sample when asked
CABF03	The nurse is not dealing
CABF06	Science class should not end in tragedy
		During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus"
BABF22	Network TV is not dead
CABF05	I will not "let the dogs out"
CABF08	I will not hide the teacher's medication
CABF07	I will not publish the Principal's credit report
CABF10	The hamster did not have "a full life"
CABF12	I will not buy a Presidential pardon
		A reference to ex-President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations/payments, which might be "a conflict of interest"
CABF09	"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
		A reference to a Fox television series where couples were sent to an island filled with singles to test their commitment
CABF11	I will not scare the Vice President
		A reference to USA Vice-President Dick Cheney being in the hospital with a heart condition
CABF13	I will not flush evidence
CABF14	Fire is not the cleanser
CABF15	Genetics is not an excuse
CABF16	Today is not Mothra's day
		Originally aired on Mother's Day (May 13), 2001
CABF17	I should not be twenty-one by now
		He would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally
CABF19	None - Halloween Special
CABF22	Nobody reads these anymore
CABF20	A burp in a jar is not a science project
CABF18	Fun does not have a size
CABF21	I am not Charlie Brown on acid
DABF02	I do not have a cereal named after me
		When this episode first aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch (along with Homer's Cinnamon Donut Cereal)
DABF01	None
DABF03	None
DABF05	None
DABF04	I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
		Probably a response to a gag in DABF03 when Butterfingers (which featured commercials with the Simpsons in them at one time) were thrown into a fire but wouldn't burn, and the response was "Even the fire doesn't want them"
DABF06	The giving tree is not a chump
DABF07	Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
DABF09	None
DABF08	Vampire is not a career choice
DABF10	None
DABF11	None
DABF12	None
DABF13	None
DABF14	I will never lie about being cancelled again
		A reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up" (and then claiming he was "misquoted and misunderstood")
DABF15	None
DABF16	None
DABF17	None
DABF19	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
DABF22	None
DABF20	Fish do not like coffee
DABF18	None
DABF21	Milhouse did not test cootie positive
EABF01	None
EABF02	None
EABF03	None
EABF04	This school does not need a "regime change"
EABF06	SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
EABF05	I will not
		Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe
EABF07	None
EABF08	None
EABF09	None
EABF10	None
EABF11	None
EABF12	None
EABF13	None
EABF14	My pen is not a booger launcher
EABF15	None
EABF16	Sandwiches should not contain sand
EABF17	None
EABF21	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
EABF18	None
EABF20	None
EABF22	None
EABF19	None
FABF01	Over forty & single is not funny
FABF02	None
FABF03	None
FABF04	None
FABF05	None
FABF06	None
FABF07	None
FABF09	None
FABF08	I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
FABF10	None
FABF11	None
FABF12	None
FABF14	None
FABF15	None
FABF13	None
FABF17	None
FABF18	None
FABF23	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
FABF20	None
FABF19	None
FABF22	Poking a dead raccoon is not research
FABF21	None
FABF16	None
GABF01	None
GABF02	None
GABF03	None
GABF04	None
		However, this episode did have a disclaimer at the beginning when Fox first aired it: "This episode contains discussions of same sex marriage. Parental discretion is advised."
GABF05	Beer in a milk carton is not milk
GABF06	None
GABF07	None
GABF08	None
GABF12	None
GABF10	None
GABF11	None
		There was a variation on the show's opening during the show, but instead of a chalkboard, Bart is at a vending machine
GABF13	None
GABF14	None
GABF15	A booger is not a bookmark
GABF09	None
GABF18	Does any kid still do this anymore?
GABF16	None
GABF19	None
GABF17	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
GABF20	None
GABF21	None
GABF22	None
HABF02	None
HABF01	None
HABF03	I am not smarter than the President
HABF04	Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual
HABF05	None
HABF06	None
HABF07	None
HABF08	I will not laminate dog doo
		The live-action opening used the first time this episode aired in the USA repeated the 9F10 opening
HABF09	I will not flip the classroom upside down
		The classroom was flipped upside-down (well, rotated 180 degrees) while he was writing this
HABF10	None
HABF11	None
HABF12	None
HABF13	I will not leak the plot of the movie
HABF14	Je ne parle pas Français
HABF16	Have a great summer, everyone
HABF15	None
HABF18	None
HABF20	None
		During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "A baby beat me up"
HABF17	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
HABF21	We are not all naked under our clothes
HABF19	None
HABF22	None
JABF02	None
JABF01	Frankincense is not a monster
JABF03	None
JABF05	None
JABF04	None
JABF07	None
		During the episode, Bart writes, "So Long Suckers"
JABF09	None
JABF08	None
JABF06	Global warming did not eat my homework
JABF10	None
JABF11	None
JABF13	I will not look up what teacher makes
JABF12	Pearls are not oyster barf
JABF14	None - 24 opening used
JABF15	None
		Instead of the normal opening, the short "Family Portrait" from "The Tracey Ullman Show" aired
Movie	I will not illegally download this movie
JABF20	I will not wait 20 years to make another movie
JABF18	The Wall Street Journal is better than ever
		...now that Rupert Murdoch owns it
JABF21	None
JABF19	I am not an FDIC-insured bank
JABF16	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
JABF22	There is no such thing as an iPoddy
JABF17	The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens
KABF01	None
KABF02	The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"
KABF03	Teacher did not pay too much for her condo
KABF04	None
KABF05	None
KABF06	The art teacher is fat, not pregnant
KABF07	None
KABF08	None
KABF09	None
KABF10	A person's a person no matter how Ralph
		A reference to "A person's a person, no matter how small" from Horton Hears a Who!
KABF11	None
KABF12	This punishment is not medieval.
		The lines are written in a medieval style, complete with large first letter - and there is a period at the end of each line
KABF13	None
KABF17	None
KABF15	Teacher's diet is working
KABF14	There's no such month as "Rocktober"
KABF16	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
KABF18	I did not see teacher siphoning gas
KABF19	None
KABF20	Prosperity is just around the corner
		In the couch gag, Bart writes, "I will not bring the chalkboard home," on a chalkboard in front of the couch
KABF21	Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas
KABF22	I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard
LABF01	HDTV is worth every cent
		This is the first episode produced in high definition
LABF02	"March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school
LABF03	I will not have fun with educational toys
LABF04	None
LABF11	Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks
LABF05	My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds
		The second time this episode aired, on 6/28/09, the opening was replaced with an airing of the "Do the Bart, Man" video in tribute to Michael Jackson, who died three days earlier
LABF06	None
LABF07	I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone
LABF08	I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy
LABF10	None
LABF09	None
LABF12	It's "Facebook," not "Assbook"
LABF13	The class hamster isn't just sleeping
LABF15	Chalkboarding is not torture
LABF16	I am not allergic to long division
LABF14	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
LABF17	I do not have the hots for my mom
LABF18	Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass
LABF19	Teachers' unions are not ruining the country
MABF01	None
MABF02	None
LABF20	The world may end in 2012 but this show won't
MABF03	None
MABF05	None
MABF06	None
MABF04	None
MABF07	World War II could not beat up World War I
MABF10	None
MABF08	Hot dogs are not bookmarks
MABF09	This counts as gym and art class
MABF14	South Park - we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared
		This appeared four days after Comedy Central censored an episode of South Park for even mentioning Muhammad, presumably after threats were made Also, when the episode first aired, some stations aired "Je ne suis pas Français" (a slight variation on the HABF14 quote) instead of the South Park quote
MABF12	None
MABF13	Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present
MABF11	Batman is not "nothing without his utility belt"
MABF15	End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us.
		This first appeared on the same night as the last episode of Lost
MABF21	When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio
MABF17	I did not see teacher applying for welfare
MABF18	I must not write all over the walls
		It was written over all of the classroom's walls
MABF16	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
MABF20	None
NABF01	None
NABF02	"A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is as good as "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
MABF22	None
MABF19	Candy canes are not elf bones
NABF03	January is not Bart History Month
NABF04	None
NABF05	Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King
NABF06	I will not make fun of Cupid's dink
NABF07	None
NABF08	I'm not here on a spitball scholarship
NABF08	"Daylight Savings" is not a failed bank
NABF10	I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket
		During the episode, Homer writes "I'm a grown man who's scared of his own son"
NABF11	None
NABF12	None
NABF13	I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother"
NABF14	It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall
		It was spelled "Kristen Schall" in NABF13's closing credits
		Some broadcasts may have a different quote: Guinea pigs should not be used as "guinea pigs"
NABF15	None
NABF16	None
NABF17	It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election
NABF19	None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode
NABF21	It's November 6 -- how come we're not airing a Halloween show?
		In the USA, Halloween specials aired in November from 2000 through 2010 (except in 2008) because of baseball World Series coverage (in fact, the term "Halloween Special" stopped being used because of this)
NABF20	None
NABF22	None
PABF01	None
PABF02	"Caucus" is not a dirty word
NABF18	Cafeteria trays are not toboggans
PABF03	Tintin did not sucksuck
PABF04	We do need no education
PABF05	There's no proven link between raisins and boogers
PABF06	I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart
PABF07	Bart's earned a day off
		Written by Milhouse, with Bart looking on
		During the episode, Bart spraypaints "I {heart} the breakdown of society" on an interior wall of an abandoned building
PABF09	None
PABF08	None
PABF10	None
PABF11	The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours
PABF12	None
PABF13	None
PABF15	Call your mother during the commercials
PABF14	None
PABF18	I will not wear white after Labor Day
		Bart is wearing a white suit when he writes this
PABF17	None - Halloween Special
PABF18	None
		During the episode, Bart mentions writing "Mousetraps are not slippers", and gets a suggestion for one from Lisa: "A gentleman doesn't ask, and a lady doesn't tell"
PABF16	I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission
PABF19	I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in
PABF22	20 more shoplifting days till Christmas
PABF20	None
RABF01	None
RABF02	Teacher did not get fat over the holidays
RABF03	I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on
		A reference to Maggie Simpson in: The Longest Daycare being nominated for the Oscar for Animated Short Film ...and yes, the ® is part of the quote
RABF04	None
RABF07	I was not nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word"
		Originally aired on the night of the 2013 Grammy Awards
RABF05	I will not tweet as the principal's toilet
RABF06	None
RABF09	I'm sorry I broke the blackboard
		This is written on a whiteboard
RABF10	Jesus's last words were not "TGIF"
		This was meant to be an Easter episode, even though it aired two weeks earlier
RABF08	None
RABF11	None
RABF13	None
RABF12	This School Is Not Falling Apart
		The blackboard falls apart as Bart leaves
RABF14	None
RABF17	None
RABF20	25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment

Search The Simpsons Archive:    Search Help [ FAQs, Guides & Lists | Upcoming Episodes | Episode Guide | Capsules | Miscellaneous | Web Links | News | About | Home ] Last updated on September 29, 2013 by Don Del Grande (ddelgran@snpp.com)