THE SIMPSONS ARCHIVE
MISCELLANEOUS

Lisa Van Houten

Fanscript

by Matt Rose
BOARD: Rectally challenged isn't the politically correct word
       for constipation

COUCH: Have everybody dressed in leisure suits dance over to
       the couch under a mirror ball (with a disco version of
       theme song playing) and they do a "ta-da" pose
Since I don't know a way of posting my artwork, I think a specific description of my interpretation of the characters in 2003 is needed:
    BART: About 6' tall. Same orange t-shirt and blue shoes,
          same hair. Differences: Wears jeans, a Springfield
          Letter Jacket (with "El Barto" embroidered on it
          above the "S" and with "03'" on the shoulder as in
          the year he graduates {hopefully}), and has Homer's
          dark spot around his mouth and he sports a goatee.
    LISA: refer to car scene in 2F15 - I picture her like that,
          wearing the Marge-type red dress and pearls and her
          hair in the 2F15 form as well (one addition -
          earrings shaped like the feminine symbol {O+})
  MAGGIE: About Lisa's height when she was eight. Wears a light
          blue version of 8 year-old Lisa's dress and matching
          shoes. Wears a pacifier necklace and a bow in her
          hair. Her hair is like it is when she's 16, but
          shorter and not sticking out so much.
MILHOUSE: Same as car scene from 2F15, sort of a Kevin from the
          Wonder Years rip off.
   RALPH: Same face, but is much thinner, about 6" tall,
          muscular. (As for his voice, well, I'd think they'd
          probably go for some celebrity, but I'd be willing to
          step in in the unlikely event someone sees this and
          uses it and needs someone to play Ralph).
Every other character is pretty much the same as normal.

SCENE: AT HOME. (Krusty is on TV, all three kids watching.)

KRUSTY (K): "Hey hey! (does his laugh). Krusty's in a good mood
            today! Know why?  My probation for my glug glug,
            vroom vroom expired! And to celebrate, Krusty's
            gonna go out and have himself a good time and get
            trashed! Doesn't that sound like fun kids?"
AUDIENCE: "Yaaaayyyyyyy!"

KRUSTY: "And now, here's Itchy & Scratchy" (laughs)
(I & S theme, title is "Lord of the Fleas")
Scratchy is in a laboratory mixing up rat poison (on label it says "excellent for mice"), Itchy walks in and spots a cloning machine, pulls out a jar of fleas and places it in the machine and activates it. The door opens and a huge pile of fleas spill out and form a cloud, chasing after Scratchy who screams and runs fast before being caught by the cloud and eaten to a skeleton. Then Elvis sees it on TV and says "I've seen this already" and shoots it. THE END (Bart and Lisa laugh hysterically, Maggie sucks rapidly as if she's amused)
BART: Lis, once again those good folks at I & S never cease
      to amaze me.
LISA: (under her breath) "Doesn't take much.
BART: I heard that. (Duff Gardens commercial comes on)

TROY McCLURE:
  New this year at Duff Gardens: The Stomach Churn! (shows what
  looks like a giant stomach, then shows the inside with people
  attached to the walls being spun around really fast and
  "acid" is being dumped on them, everyone on it is getting
  sick)  If it DOESN'T make you sick, you haven't got your
  money's worth. B&L together} "Whoooooaaaaaa

BART: (in awe) Lis, there can only be one place I choose to be
      my vomiting paradise and Duff Gardens be thy name.
LISA: (equally in awe) I have seen the ultimate almighty shrine
      to regurgitation
BART: Amen sister.
SCENE: KITCHEN TABLE, (Homer is reading the newspaper)
HOMER: Hmmm, let's see what's in the free stuff section
       today...oooooo...the entire recording history of
       Supertramp.....on 8-track!
MARGE: Oh, Homer please, all they ever have in there is junk.
HOMER: $800 worth of 'Alf' memorabilia, 30 episodes on tape of
       'Herman's Head', 19 back issues of _Entertainment
       Weekly_, _The Viewers' Guide to the Fox Network_?

M & H together: (shudder) (Bart and Lisa walk in)

 BART: As you know we've been to Duff Gardens before and loved
       it. But there's a new ride there and we HAVE to go see
       it --
 LISA: And you must understand your refusal will be greeted by
       weeks and weeks of...
B+L: Can we go to Duff Gardens? (repeat 7 times rapidly)
 BART: (to Lisa) I'll get the chocolate, you get the milk
HOMER: Oooooo, now you're talking.
MARGE: Wait a minute, I seem to recall Lisa getting sick.
 LISA: Oh mom, I just drank some bad water.
 BART: Besides, that was with Aunt Selma, she had no idea what
       she was doing.
HOMER: We left you kids with Aunt Selma, what were we thinking?
 LISA: That's a good question.
MARGE: Hmmmmmm....alright, I suppose since I'll be there
       nothing will go wrong.
 LISA: Great, how about tomorrow?
MARGE: (reluctantly) Sure.
HOMER: (to Marge) Unless another one of your aunts dies.
MARGE: I only had one aunt
HOMER: Oh, (under his breath to Bart and Lisa) then maybe one
       of her stupid sisters
MARGE: HOMER!
SCENE: DUFF GARDENS - ENTRANCE

(family walking in a line, then a close up on Homer and Marge)

HOMER: Kids, you remember the rules, you're both under six, and
       stay together..huh..(sees Bart and Lisa have
       vanished).....D'OH!
(Bart and Lisa arrive at the ride they see on TV, only for there to be a 2 hour wait, along with a few other rides)
BART: What are we going to do, everything's 2 hours!
LISA: Yeah, and no one falls for the 'I'm lost' gag anymore.
BART: (sees the fortuneteller's tent) Hmm, that's odd, no one's
      visiting that fortuneteller. Whaddya say, Lis?
LISA: Well....OK, but I had a bad experience with a
       fortuneteller once.
BART: Ohhh, really? (they enter)

FORTUNETELLER (FT):
   (Yes, this is a stretch but by pure coincidence it is the
   one from 2F15) "Lisa, you've come back for more, and you
   brought Bart with you!"

LISA: Oh my god it's you!
BART: Does this have anything to do with your bad experience?
LISA: You! You told me about my near-marriage to that British
      guy who jerked me around!
BART: (English accent) You get hitched with a Briton eh? Hullo
      there guvna, me name is Bartholomew, the lovable
      bootblack, I'll shine'em up good for ye.
LISA: (rolls her eyes) Oh, brother.
BART: So, you get married to this guy, pfff yeah, right.
LISA: Well, no, at the wedding he told me he wanted to leave my
      family out of our lives, but I couldn't do that to you
      all, so I called off the wedding.
BART: I have to hear more about this.
LISA: Well, to make a long story short, (show a few clips from
      Lisa's Wedding)
BART: Bwa-ha-ha! I work a wrecking ball and go to law school
      and get married and divorced twice by the age of 25? Stop
      it your cracking me up!
  FT: And Lisa, musn't we forget Milhouse?
BART: Milhouse? What about Milhouse?
LISA: Oh, well, you never told me about that.
  FT: Then we shall journey back to the future, this time, I
      see Springfield High School in the year 2003....
ENTER: SPRINGFIELD 2003

SCENE: SPRINGFIELD HIGH SCHOOL

(in the halls, we see "El Barto" is spray painted on a locker and on a bathroom door, Bart and Lisa are walking together)

BART: Ah, it's 3:00, so great to be done for the day, I feel so
      alive.
LISA: Don't forget, we have to pick up Maggie.
BART: D'oh! I hate even going near that old school.
(flashback to timeframe similar to the present (1996 at the science fair, where Bart pulls out a test tube of mysterious liquid and pours it into Martin Prince's experiment, causing a huge explosion)
BART: You know, I still feel pretty bad about Martin...It was a
      terrible thing...well....in principle.
LISA: That's strange, why do you feel so awful about it?
BART: Oh, no reason.
LISA: I'll bet.
(They arrive in the school parking lot, Bart has a somewhat more futuristic looking AMC Gremlin with El Barto license plate - then they drive by Springfield Elementary where Maggie is waiting - she has a ticked off look on her face.)
LISA: Hi Maggie!
BART: Bad day at school? (Maggie just glowers at him) Sorry I
      asked.
LISA: So Bart, what are your plans for the evening?
BART: Milhouse and I are hittin' the theatre for the premiere
      of Space Mutants XIV.  Yourself?
LISA: (bragging) I've got a date with Ralph Wiggum.
BART: Ralph! Wow. My sister and the....(plays with his hair,
      tries to show of his looks) second most popular guy in
      school.
LISA: (teasingly) Who's the first?
BART: Oh shut yer yap! I'm surprised he was free, I thought he
      was still working on that thesis.
LISA: The Undiscovered Nutritional Benefits of Paste"? He
      finished that last week.
(car pulls into driveway - Maggie gets out with her books, trips and falls like in her infant days into a pile of mud. she gets up and discovers her notes are ruined)
MAGGIE: D'OH!
SCENE: MOE'S TAVERN (Looks the same but there's a "Pong" video game and a pinball machine in the background)
   MOE: Hey Homer, why so down, you seem very upset about something.
 HOMER: Oh, Carl got promoted. I'm the only human being left in
        Sector 7-G. Another beer please.
   MOE: Whoa, that's number eight. Better take it easy Homer.
BARNEY: Yeah, even I don't drink that much. (Homer and Moe
        stare at him) BURRRRPPPPPP
(picture phone rings, Bart's face is visible but Moe picks up the receiver and speaks, cleans some beer mugs while he's talking, completely oblivious to the fact that Bart's picture is on the screen)
  MOE: Hello, Moe's Tavern.
 BART: Hello, I'm looking for a Hugh please? A Hugh G.
       Rec--(cut off)
  MOE: (interrupting) Wait a minute, I know that voice.
 LISA: Bart he's got a picturephone! (Bart screams and hangs up
       right away)
  MOE: (finally realizes it's a picture phone) His picture! His
       (turns around and sees blank screen) NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
HOMER: You'll get that punk someday Moe.
(back at home)
 LISA: Well, Bart, it looks like modern technology has finally
       caught up with you.
 BART: (saddened) I feel so empty. (normal) Say Lis, anyone we
       know who doesn't have a picture phone yet?
 LISA: Oh brother.
MARGE: Kids, Dinner! Where's Homer? He's never late for soy
       chops with pork seasoning. Bart, can you call Moe's and
       tell him he's late for dinner?
 BART: D'oh! (changes his voice to sound like he has a cold)
  MOE: Moe's Tavern. (looks keenly at the picture this time)
       Well, Bart Simpson, how've you been? You sound sick.
 BART: Oh, yeah, it's my spleen, I think it's leaking. Can you
       check on my old man, tell him he's late for soy chops?
  MOE: Hey Homer, Bart says your late for soy chops--
       (freezes - Homer has disappeared, leaving a cloud of
        dust in his shape) Homer?
SCENE: HOME, THE DINNER TABLE, (family eating in usual slob-like fashion, Lisa walks in all dressed up nicely)
    BART: (faking a surprised look) Wow! Is that you Lisa? If
          you weren't my sister, I'd go out with you in a
          second!
    LISA: That's about how desperate you've become.
    BART: Actually, I met a nice foreign exchange student (bad
          French accent) from zee wine norzern vine country,
          ooh la la. (Lisa and Maggie stick their index fingers
          in their mouths and make choking noises)
   MARGE: Enough you two. Lisa, what time is Ralph picking you
          up?
    LISA: Well, actually, that's a problem - Ralph doesn't have
          a car tonight. (stares at Bart)
    BART: I should have known. Seeing as how I can't win this
          argument, I won't even try.  OK, Lisa you can go with
          us. I don't think you want to see Space Mutants XIV,
          though.
    LISA: We should be able to find something else. (Doorbell,
          Lisa answers, it's Milhouse)
MILHOUSE: Hi Lisa, you look great.
    LISA: Thanks Milhouse.
    BART: Hey Milhouse. Lisa and Ralph don't have a ride, so
          they need to go with us.
MILHOUSE: Wow Lisa, you're going with Ralph?
    LISA: He's so different than he was when he was eight.
          Well, except for the paste part.
SCENE: RALPH'S HOUSE. (We see a squad car with two flat tires and several empty boxes of donuts scattered in the street around it. Bart honks the horn, and Ralph walks out.)
RALPH: Hi ya Lis! You look excellent tonight.
 LISA: Thank you Ralph.
RALPH: I'm sure glad you cho - cho - chose me! (Everyone
       laughs)
SCENE: SPRINGFIELD GOOGLEPLEX THEATRES. (Everyone walks by posters on the wall of movies that are playing which include: "Space Mutants XIV", "The Legend of Billie Jean", "Maximum Overdrive", and "Listen to Me")
RALPH: So what will it be Lisa?
 LISA: (looking at all the movies) Oh, I don't know. Who are
       these people? Don't these movies have any ACTORS in
       them? Yeesh.
RALPH: Actually, I kind of wanted to see Space Mutants.
 BART: D'oh!
 LISA: Oh, alright.
 BART: OK fine, but please don't bother us.
 LISA: Fine. (her brain) Mental note, bother Bart.
       (at the ticket counter/box office)
 BART: (reluctantly) Four please for Space Mutants
RALPH: And some Milk Duds.
GEEKY TEEN: $68.00 please
 BART: There you go.
GEEKY TEEN: Thank you sir. Enjoy the film.
(in the theatre)
   RALPH: Where should we sit?
    LISA: Up front.
    BART: Somewhere away from us.
MILHOUSE: Let's sit together.
    LISA: I'd prefer that.
   RALPH: Me too.
    BART: (sarcastically) What the hell, why spoil a perfect
          evening?
(they sit, Ralph pulls a bottle of paste from his jacket, begins to dip his Milk Duds into the paste, the other three stare at him)
RALPH: Mmmm mmm paste tastes good.
 LISA: How can you eat that?
RALPH: You don't know what you're missing.
 BART: I'm not about to find out.
RALPH: Well good, more for me. Wait until you read my thesis
       about the nutritional benefits of paste. I'm confident
       that someday it will be proven to be invaluable in the
       prevention of heart disease, some forms of cancer, and
       smallpox.
 LISA: (sarcastically) That's great Ralph.
SCENE: HOME, (Marge and Homer watching TV, "I can't believe they invented it" comes on)
TROY McCLURE:
  Hello, I'm Troy McClure, you may remember me from the films
  "Larry the Lovable Bloodsucking Leech " and "Objective, Abu
  Dhabi!", but today I'm here to tell you about a remarkable
  breakthrough in golf equipment..
HOMER: Oooooo..
 TROY: And here to help me, from the Springfield Heights
       Institute of Technology, the inventor of our product,
       Professor John Frink.
FRINK: Mm-hiey, good evening ladies and gentlemen. Working with
       various washed up PGA professionals I have developed the
       Fairway-tron 600 to rid all you lousy golfers out there
       of your chronic slice!
 TROY: Tell me more.
FRINK: Well, as you can see, my club is thermodynamically
       weighted and constructed using the newest space age
       materials and it's design will reduce oscillations of
       your ball on impact, resulting in longer, straighter
       drives for the average player, if you will allow me to
       demonstrate by hitting some balls into this net. By-hiey
       (makes that noise as he swings, the ball misses the net
       and then we hear a guy scream and some glass breaking)
FRINK: Uh, I seemed to...have.....missed...the
       net.....(pauses)...Fore! (laughs)
(Homer changes the channel to "Smartline')
KENT BROCKMAN:
  This just in, power plant tycoon C. Montgomery Burns is in
  critical condition after being stabbed in the back 17 times,
  police are baffled..

CHIEF WIGGUM:
  (on TV, two officers are shooting pool in the background) We
  are working night and day, round the clock looking for a
  suspect (one of the officers shoots a pool shot, Chief turns
  around) Hey guys, I got next game!

KENT BROCKMAN:
  No suspects are in at the present time, but it has been
  described as an eight year old girl with pointy hair (as he
  says this, we see a shot of Homer and Marge watching in their
  bedroom as Maggie sneaks by the doorway)

   HOMER: Ha ha, what a freak!
    KENT: An obviously shaken Waylon Smithers appeared on
          camera today:
SMITHERS: (unshaven, appears very drunk) No, No, take me not
          him! Take me! I want to go to!
    KENT: Under the advice of Professor John Frink, Smithers
          has decided to put Burns into cryogenic freezing
          until a cure can be found.
   HOMER: Bor-ing!
SCENE: THE THEATRE. (Ralph is scraping the bottom of the paste jar)
   RALPH: Oh no, I'm all out. Maybe I still have my emergency
          supplyoooohhuhhh (holds his stomach)
    LISA: Ralph? Are you OK?
   RALPH: Auhuggghgaaa
MILHOUSE: Must be the paste.
    BART: I'd be willing to bet it's the Milk Duds. Like I said
          before, chocolate on the outside, poison on the
          inside.
    LISA: Maybe we should get him to a doctor.
   RALPH: Look out I have to...
MILHOUSE: You have to what? (Ralph pukes into the popcorn of
          the guy next to him.) Oh.
    LISA: We'd better go. (As they leave, we hear a distant
          voice) DISTANT VOICE FROM THEATRE: Hey! Somebody
          puked in my popcorn!
(Back at home, Homer's still watching Smartline)
 KENT: In other news today, CBS has bought CNN, which just
       recently bought the Disney company. And the FOX network
       has renewed "Married...With Children" for a 17th season
       and is bringing back "Herman's Head". They have also
       begun production on a show about an alien, named "Ulf".
       And now the following celebrities have announced their
       engagements: (very fast on screen, meant to be a Freeze
       Frame Fun) Michael Jackson and Bubbles the chimp Troy
       McClure and a tuna, Sideshow Mel and skin care
       consultant Rowina, Herbert Powell and Selma Bouvier, O+>
       and the artist formerly known as +^^":$^&
HOMER: Man this really sucks (flips more channels)
MARGE: I rented a movie called "Ernest Donates A Liver"
HOMER: Mmmmm, liver.
SCENE: BACK IN BART'S CAR, (Milhouse and Lisa sitting in the back seat, Ralph has been dropped off)
    LISA: Too bad Ralph got sick.
    BART: Frankly I can see an upside to it.
    LISA: Shut up.
MILHOUSE: Well, I still had a good time with you Lisa
    LISA: Yeah, me too (they look at each other, then they
          kiss, while Bart pulls into the driveway)
    BART: Hey, vacuum lips, this ain't first-aid revival (they
          ignore him), Hellllooooo, we're home now (they ignore
          him)..Oh, forget you (he slams the door)
SCENE: HOME, THE DINNER TABLE, As usual, everyone's eating like a slob.
MARGE: So, Lisa, how was your date with Ralph last night?
 BART: (says it with no expression) Ralph got sick from dipping
       Milk Duds in paste, we took him home, Lisa and Milhouse
       kissed for seven minutes..
 LISA: Seven minutes?
 BART: I timed it (pulls a stopwatch out of thin air)
 LISA: No one asked you. Besides, I'm glad it happened because
       I enjoyed being with Milhouse more, so much in fact that
       we're going out tonight.
MARGE: That's great honey.
 BART: My sister is dating my best friend. Bart no like.
 LISA: (teasingly) Do I detect a hint of jealousy?
 BART: Meh
MARGE: Oh, relax Bart. I think it's wonderful that she's going
       with Milhouse.
 BART: I suppose you'll need my car.
 LISA: Actually, Milhouse has his (doorbell, it's Milhouse)
       Gotta go, bye.
 BART: *Sigh * What am I gonna do tonight?
MARGE: Well Bart, you can help me change the shelf paper in the
       pantry.
 BART: I'll have none of that.
HOMER: Don't worry boy, when you get to be my age, you get to
       do nothing every night.
 BART: (dejectedly) I'm gonna go take a walk.
SCENE: THE THEATRE: (They walk out of theatre playing "Maximum Overdrive")
MILHOUSE: What a movie. Those cars and trucks driving
          themselves were really convincing.
    LISA: Well, I thought it was awful, but it was kind of
          funny.
MILHOUSE: Yeah, I liked that uptight whining newlywed.
    LISA: She was funny, but her voice annoyed me. There was
          something eerily familiar about it though that I
          can't put my finger on.
MILHOUSE: Well, what should we do next?
    LISA: I've got an idea, let's go to my parent's old makeout
          place.
SCENE: THE OLD MAKEOUT PLACE (where the letters of Springfield are spelt out like "Hollywood", Milhouse and Lisa get out of the car)
MILHOUSE: Look, a weather station! (pulls a crowbar out of thin
          air) I'll bash it good (does so)
    LISA: (chuckles) Well you've managed to keep a family
          tradition alive.
SCENE: A JUNKYARD
BART: Boy, I wish I had something to do. (mumbling) Stupid
      Milhouse, go out with my sister...(looking down at the
      ground, he bumps into a wrecking ball machine) Whooaaa.
VOICE (the smokestack is talking a la Groundskeeper Willie's tractor) Barrrrttttt, drive me! Drive me!
 BART: Oh I shouldn't. But then again, I'm looking for a way to
       take out my aggression (we then see Bart driving it over
       towards an abandoned warehouse as he laughs) Buwa ha ha
       ha!
(Flash back to the makeout place)
MILHOUSE: This is a really nice place. I really like you Lisa,
          a lot. (they start to make out a little bit).
    LISA: I'm glad I thought of it, this is where my parent's
          always came. (We see the car shaking back and forth,
          in the distance we see a cloud of smoke and dust
          coming up, as if a building has been demolished {it's
          Bart, of course!!})
MILHOUSE: Oh, Lisa, you're wonderful.
    LISA: I can't believe that just happened.
MILHOUSE: Why? C'mon, let's do it again.
    LISA: No Milhouse.
MILHOUSE: Please (starts being aggressive again)
    LISA: I said no Milhouse.
MILHOUSE: Relax Lisa..
    LISA: STOP IT! (slaps him, his glasses fall off)
MILHOUSE: (after they look at each other for a minute). Look
          Lisa, I really love you. I know I've only actually
          dated you twice.
    LISA: Once. Last night doesn't really count.
MILHOUSE: OK once. But I've known you ever since I've been
          friends and I love you a lot and I think....
    LISA: You think....
MILHOUSE: Let's get married!
    LISA: What?
MILHOUSE: Let's get married. I'm serious about this Lisa. I'll
          get you a ring, and a huge dress, and...
    LISA: Wait. Now look Milhouse, that's a big step, we've
          only dated once, and (this is the car scene from
          Lisa's Wedding) it's not that I don't like you
          Milhouse, it's just that I don't think I'll ever get
          married..
MILHOUSE: (cries)
    LISA: Look, I'm sorry, I don't think I could handle
          marriage. Besides, I don't know if I can trust you
          anyway with those hands. Look, you're still friends
          with my brother, you can be friends with me.
MILHOUSE: *sniff*, OK.
    LISA: Let's go home.
(back at the junkyard, Bart is getting out of the wrecking ball, a guy from "Down with buildings" notices him)
 GUY: That's some fine work son, how'd you like a job with us
      someday..
BART: (realizing he's not in trouble) Uhh, you can bet on it.
      I'll keep in touch (walks away).
SCENE: (Home, the front yard, in Milhouse's car again)
MILHOUSE: I'm sorry again Lisa, I really am.
(Lisa stares as he walks away, then it flashes back to the present Lisa with a stunned look on her face)
 LISA: So that's how it happened.
 BART: Oh, you really expect me to believe that, no way! That's
       all the biggest crock I've ever heard.

FORTUNETELLER (FT):
   And Lisa, you don't find another lover until the Englishman
   who ruins your wedding.

 BART: Look, lady, you've duped us long enough, so get bent!
   FT: So, you aren't a believer, eh?
 BART: Nope.
   FT: Move three steps to the left.
 BART: (does so, puts his arms out in disbelief) Why, is some
       anvil gonna fall on me? (just then an anvil falls right
       on the spot where he stood before) Ulp!
MARGE: So there you are (the rest of the family arrives).
HOMER: Let's go boy.
 BART: But I want to know more about my future.
   FT: No you don't.
MARGE: No you don't.
 BART: But I really am curious (they all walk off into the
       distance)
MARGE: Oh Bart, you know they make it all up anyway.
 LISA: I beg to differ.
MARGE: Quiet Lisa.
 LISA: OK Mom, whatever you say.
[The End]

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Revamped on January 13, 1999 by Jouni Paakkinen (jouni@snpp.com)